Wizard Wednesday: Wiper / Chop / Candy Wizard

Some weeks I don’t have a lot of time to craft these Wizard Wednesday posts. Actually, I never have time, but some weeks, it shows! This is one of those weeks, so I’m going to fill space with some commercials for various “as seen on TV” wizards.

First, I will make a few points.

• I love in commercials when they show how hard is to do something that is actually quite simple. These scenes are usually in black and white, and feature someone who is extreeeeeeeeeemely frustrated with their task. The Vidalia Chop Wizard commercial below starts with one of these scenes.
• I also like when, in cases where there is absolutely no need for a product, a commercial has to invent a scenario to make it useful. See the Candy Wizard commercial below. Finally, a motion-sensing candy dispenser to replace unsanitary dishes! We were all waiting for the right technology to come along and replace the old-fashioned candy dish. This commercial doesn’t do it all that well, but it’s a good example of how people try to invent new fears and needs in order to sell you stuff.
• Finally, I fully support adding the word “wizard” to product names. It’s cool to imagine a real Candy Wizard or Vidalia Chop Wizard, using their powers, respectively, to distribute candy and chop onions. Wizards are usually very good at what they do, and specialized, single-purpose wizards would probably be even better. When Gandalf the Grey became Gandalf the White he became more wise and powerful all around. Had he become Candy Gandalf he probably would have become far more wise and way more powerful, but only in matters of candy dispension.
• Finally finally, I hope someone finds this article by searching for “candy gandalf.”
• Finally finally finally, I’m sure I’ve left out some wizard products. Email me or contact me on one of my social media accounts and let me know of any ones I’ve forgotten. I would like to include everyone.
• Finally finally finally finally, I think I should write and record a song called “Candy Gandalf” for the deluxe edition of Wizard Planet.
• Finally finally finally finally finally, I guess this wasn’t actually that short.